A Throne of Games.

The future of gaming is not unlike your lower intestine…  Stinky… and bloated with confusion.  It’s been a long grueling battle of the brands.  Gaming has surpassed Hollywood as an entertainment industry…nay… Empire. ..NAY… World.. clawed and fought over by the ravenous empires within.  Caught in the middle cats and kitties is us:  The gamers.  The source of their sustenance and, and the financial cannon fodder when they fail miserably, or trick us into buying into some gimmick like Kinect, or gods forbid… Aliens Colonial Marines.

We truly are the be-all-end-all for these game industry giants who without our hard earned cash would crumble into dust and echoes.  And many have.  You can literally watch studios drop like flies after shitty releases, or scramble to appease the masses after boycotts and fan revolts.

But do these monolithic monarchs of the gaming realm, truly take into account, and listen to the little people who make up their respective kingdoms?  Some seem to, while others do a rather good job at appearing to do so, but instead force feed their subjects features, and shiny bobbles they really never asked for nor require.

And here we are my fellow polygon plebs, at the intermission before the next round of the Console Wars.  The two main contenders: Houses Sony, and Microsoft have done their pre-E3 cock waggling, shield rattling, and boasting, and the eve of battle is soon upon us.  Winter IS coming, but which house shall ascend the Plastic Throne?  A sinister, seat of power made from the melted down consoles and copies of Atari’s ET thrown at the feet of the ancient kings of gaming when their makers bent the knee.

Here is my take on the two main Kingdoms vying to sit the Console-Chair.

House Microsoft: 

Words:  “Ours is your Television.”

After over a decade of fair and just rule over his subjects the reign of King Bill Gates first of his name, lord of Windows 8, and keeper of the Halo came into dark times.  Soon twisted, and unnatural things came into the province of XBOX a pox on its people, potentially driving them away, and leading to the purge of many great game houses like Ensemble Studios.

House Bungie, under the lordship of Jason Jones lead bannerman of King Gates paid for his houses release from the Kingdom of Microsoft but in doing so was made to sacrifice his strongest and most promising son John 117 to house 343 industries, led by Lord Franklin O’Connor formerly of the Bungie Banner.

Over time, John 117 took the field of battle, and won a sweeping (but unstable) victory against the holiday shopping mobs.   Under the leadership of House 343, John’s future looks uncertain.. and over-saturated with TV series, confusing story-arcs, and a dwindling handful of old trusting comrades still clinging to the hope he can get his shit together since being torn from his birth-house of Bungie.

King Gates stepped down from the throne, which is now sat upon by King Donald Mattrick 1st of his name.  Lord of Hokey TV features, Sports Bullshit, and protector of anything but gaming.

In his first proclamation with regards the Kingdom of Microsoft’s new future he stated that games were a tertiary at best function, and the future of his house is in ESPN, fantasy sports, being too lazy to use a controller, and forcing his citizens to use a Kinect toy that they really don’t want, while dangling a dried up and diluted exclusive game series in front of us by none other than Lord Spielberg the Butcher of Books, and Father of Velociraptors.

While we have only to wait until the jousting match at E3, Microsoft appears to have been corrupted by trend-setting yuppies who have forgotten the people who first bought into their enchanted kingdom, and have thrown them beneath the carriage in favor of bells, whistles, and super cool crap like being able to do what you already CAN do…with a SNAPpier interface.  (heh)

House Sony:

Words:  “Bitch, Please.”

Currently Led by Lord Andrew House:  1st of his name.   Warden of the developers and protector of gaming culture, the ever growing PlayStation Province has prospered for nearly two decades.  Over twenty years of victories on the fields of battle have given his forces a competitive edge, and advantage over the still young, and brash men and women of XBOX.

This house has produced such gifts to their folk as the Uncharted Series, a slew of fan favorites such as Crash Bandicoot, Metal Gear, among other amazing experiences that I have missed out on because I had the master chief’s … Plasma Pistol rammed down my throat.

In his official decree Lord House pledged that he was working closely with his bannermen, and developers to provide a kingdom where all could prosper by moving forward together as a unified force of incredible power – rather than trying to squeeze their developers and game-smiths for all their worth before putting them to the sword… like other houses have demonstrated…

PlayStation Province appears to be offering a peace-time peach.  An environment where gamers can break free of the chains of exclusive fanboyism and recall what gaming truly is through something fresh, and geared toward gaming itself.  Or have they too been infected with the same darkness which crept into the ranks of their rival house?  Only time can truly tell which house will win the console throne, and bring balance, peace, and stability to the world they have created, and threaten to destroy beneath the fury of their rage.


Parody aside, this round of the console wars is going to be an intense one.  Both consoles share a similar architecture, with similar capabilities…But it does appear that PlayStation 4 might have a bit more raw power under the hood.  I am heavily slanted toward Sony, (if it wasn’t already obvious).

XBOX ONE’s mandatory Kinect feature just plain creeps me out, and while a high-res IR camera and microphone in every living room in North America & Europe might sound bonerific to the government spooks, it sounds like an invasion of privacy to me.  If Kinect 2.0 has the same “Opt-Out” features as the current model I might be comfortable enough to own one…  But creepiness aside:  I really could give a flying cart-wheeling, flipping fuck about being able to talk to my XBOX and navigate by doing strange interpretive dance.  I just want to play games, and watch some movies and TV via Netflix.

Sony, from the ground up seems to have created a machine specifically for the developers, providing an environment where they can take full advantage of PS4’s power without the awkward motions of porting cross-console games to the PS3 (anyone remember the nightmare of playing Skyrim on PS3? Those days are *allegedly* gone.)

Whichever console you choose, I’m sure you will pick the one that is best for you, but it’s going to be a tough one.  Both sides will be dangling their exclusive titles in front of you, along with their respective bells and whistles.  I hope my little rant has provided some entertainment and that you’re just as excited for E3’s extravaganza as I am.

Thanks for reading, and of course stay tuned to Teabag Or Die for more awesome content!



6 thoughts on “A Throne of Games.

  1. And before anyone defacates down my throat about the Bill Gates thing… I know I know..It’s a parody! Have your people call my people.

  2. Finally, some sense. The consumer is in control of what is on the market, and I think people forget that. If people don’t buy something, it goes away, and either the company rethinks their strategy to be more consumer-friendly or they die out. So while bitching about the new Xbox in YouTube comments does collectively send a message to Microsoft, they aren’t going to care until they aren’t getting your money. Alternatively, if you do like something (and the way in which it is marketed), then buy the hell out of it. We are the ones in control of the industry, not the big corporations, as crazy as that might sound seem to some people.

    In summary: Vote with your wallet, or STFU.

  3. “Vote with your wallet, or STFU.”

    THIS. I have been saying this so much lately. I’m sick of the negativity – especially when I know most of the whiners will by One anyways (pun is always intended).

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